After wrapping up a semester, I have looked back a little as to what I have learned. There's a lot. I think it might have changed me in some really good ways. One of the things that have brought me peace is attachment theory. Attachment is usually something associated with children, but this semester it was proposed that the need to feel attached is not just something kids need, but people of all ages. Attachment asks, "are you available to me", "will you be emotionally responsive to me", and "will you engage with me"? Attachment is someone being emotionally present and connected to you, regardless of circumstance. This allows for someone to be in an uncomfortable situation and still feel comfortable. For me, that would be something like being at a large gathering where I don't know many people. If I am securely attached to someone, I can navigate and engage with people. Attachment also allows someone to share deeply without being afraid of how they will respond.
We studied all of this in the context of marriage, marriage being a place to build a secure attachment, and to admit the need for attachment. Attachment between a couple leads to intimacy which builds a marriage. However, let's face it, I'm not married. But I still have a need to feel attached. Maybe attachment is what drives us to get married. I know that this past semester was more emotionally difficult than I could have imagined. I know that part of it is because I left a place, where amongst a small group of people I felt attached. I've yet to attach in St. Louis yet, but that's okay, because it's all part of the the process of moving and change. Change can disrupt in a good, yet painful way.
I feel like I should give props to the author who got all of this swirling in my head. Sue Johnson wrote Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. I think it's a worthy read for anyone whose married. For singles, it may scare you about being married or idealize it, so if you read it, be discerning.
Hey, Brookos. I love this thoughtful post.
ReplyDeleteThose two thoughts in your last sentence (scare you @ marriage/idealize it) seem to be on opposite ends of the spectrum. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on both.
Basically, the risk involved in being vulnerable with your spouse to the extent that Sue Johnson suggests is scary. It asks one spouse to entrust the other with their deepest shame and fears. The ideal side of it, is that if both spouses are willing to do this then the intimacy that can occur is absolutely amazing. However, if a single person doesn't think through the hard hard work of this, then it just looks like idealized marriage--marriage is the end all. Very few singles really get how hard marriage is, it seems like it is a solution instead of a relationship.
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