Home

I think it was sometime in September when one of my professors asked me where home was.  He clarified by explaining that home doesn't necessarily have to be where I grew up or where my parents live, but rather, he wanted to know the place that felt like home to me.  In my head, that place was Lincoln, NE.  However, after spending the past 6 days in Norfolk, I've changed my definition of home, from being a place to being an experience or emotion.  Home is where I exhale.  It's where I no longer have to try, but can simply be.  Home is Lazlo's with the Seebohms.  Home is the couch at Renae and Jason's.  Home is the Taylor house in Norfolk, when it is brimming with friends.  Home is waking up in my bed in Norfolk, the getting  up to eat the very familiar waffles I grew up with.  Home is the anticipation of seeing Kate and Joie in a few days.  Home is where I don't doubt myself or my friends affection for me.  It's so good to be home.

Attachment Theory

After wrapping up a semester, I have looked back a little as to what I have learned.  There's a lot.  I think it might have changed me in some really good ways.  One of the things that have brought me peace is attachment theory.  Attachment is usually something associated with children, but this semester it was proposed that the need to feel attached is not just something kids need, but people of all ages.  Attachment asks, "are you available to me", "will you be emotionally responsive to me", and "will you engage with me"?  Attachment is someone being emotionally present and connected to you, regardless of circumstance.  This allows for someone to be in an uncomfortable situation and still feel comfortable.  For me, that would be something like being at a large gathering where I don't know many people.  If I am securely attached to someone, I can navigate  and engage with people.  Attachment also allows someone to share deeply without being afraid of how they will respond.  

We studied all of this in the context of marriage, marriage being a place to build a secure attachment, and to admit the need for attachment.  Attachment between a couple leads to intimacy which builds a marriage.  However, let's face it, I'm not married.  But I still have a need to feel attached.  Maybe attachment is what drives us to get married.  I know that this past semester was more emotionally difficult than I could have imagined.  I know that part of it is because I left a place, where amongst a small group of people I felt attached.  I've yet to attach in St. Louis yet, but that's okay, because it's all part of the the process of moving and change.  Change can disrupt in a good, yet painful way.

I feel like I should give props to the author who got all of this swirling in my head.  Sue Johnson wrote Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.  I think it's a worthy read for anyone whose married.  For singles, it may scare you about being married or idealize it, so if you read it, be discerning.

It's not over 'til it's over, and it's over!

10 minutes ago I finished semester #1 of 4.  It feels good!  I will now watch brainless television until I have to start reading some books for my Job class.

Hope and Grief

I am always attempting to find a way to hang on to hope.  Hope asks us to look at the bigger picture in the midst of the in your face details.  As I look back on my first semester at Covenant, I am forced to reflect on the topic of grief.  Grief came up in class way more than hope.  It seemed to be the answer to way too many questions.  How does a person overcome A, B, or C, well they need to grieve.  They need to face the pain, the disappointment, the unmet expectations, the unfulfilled hope, the sin they've experienced or doled out.  There is a call to honestly looking at your heart, at what you long for (the beginning of hope) and desire, and to own and accept the fact that it hasn't happened or can't happen.  Hope tells us that the world isn't as it should be, and that it won't always be this way.  Grief happens in the middle.  We must acknowledge how much it hurts that we are in the not yet phase of our hope of glory.  Because of the entry of sin into the world I experience pain, suffering, hate, cruelty.  Our suffering often gets undermined or minimized because it is compared to something that is seen as much worse.  But, it's our suffering and pain to bear.  Sucking it up won't make it all better.  I believe that I must look at the disappointment I feel towards myself and others.  There is a time to grieve, and it's not just at funerals.  If we don't look at what hurts straight in the face, how can we then hope for what will be.  We need to grieve what has been lost, so that hope is realized.  And it really does hurt.

Feliz Navidad

We got a little festive in the apartment yesterday.