Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, not the mirror

So, I've recently been reading Wendell Berry's books Hannah Coulter and Jayber Crow.  I'm hooked.  I feel like I'm breathing in fresh air when I read his works.

Here's an excerpt from Hannah Coulter that has my mind working.

I was beautiful in those days myself, as I believe I can admit now that it no longer matters. A woman doesn't learn she is beautiful by looking in a mirror, which about any woman is apt to do from time to time, but that is only wishing. She learns it so that she actually knows it from men. The way they look at her makes a sort of glimmer she walks in. That tells her. It changes the way she walks too. But now I was a mother and a widow. It had been a longish while since I had thought of being beautiful, but Nathan's looks were reminding me that I was.       (p. 65)

 If we strive to find beauty looking back at us in the mirror, then we will surely fail to attain it, for in seeking to be beautiful, I believe we give up a part of ourselves to the slavery of vanity; we actually lose beauty.  Rather, as we move towards others, allowing them to see us, to take us in, it is in their estimation of us that our beauty lies.  It is an openness to being seen, and that is beautiful.

Each of my friends is beautiful to me.  I can't help but see them this way.  Though I know they strive as I do to dress well and practice some degree of good hygiene, I find that they are no less beautiful to me as when they are in their PJ's after having scrubbed off the days make up.

I guess I want to quit trying so hard to create a beauty in myself, and instead to let the beauty that's always been there propel me towards being more open and emotionally present.  It scares the hooey out of me; it really does.  But I think it's more honest and life-giving to others and to me, so perhaps it's worth it.

Hope is scary, and gritty.

"Hope is a radically dangerous passion. Hope is anticipation. It is a vision of the future that guides how the present will be lived."  Dan Allender from Bold Love

I feel like I'm in a dance with hope, not a graceful waltz or passionate tango, but a war dance, and I want hope to win.  As much as I want hope to win, I will fight till the end against it.  Hope demands relational risk, and not about whether or not I will experience the hurt of disappointment, but whether or not this time I will be disappointed, because I cannot avoid disappointment.  Hope does not try to erase the fall, but stares it down with the knowledge that the score has already been settled and we are just waiting to see how it all plays out.

Hope grieves and rages and celebrates, it does not shrink back nor hide. Hope lays bare one's soul, revealing all and believing that one day my longings and desires will be fully realized, so I need not be ashamed of them now.

In the last 10 years . . .

As I sit in Paul & Lindsey's home, rubbernecking at the trash guys taking the last trash pick up that will happen in my name at 1608, the day I will put my first house on the market, I am reflecting on what I have done in the last ten years.

1. I have earned, yes earned, two master's degrees.

2. I have lived in two countries, and two states.

3. I have had 4 different cars.

4. I have purchased my first home.

5. I have learned plumbing skills, including snaking a sewer system (thank you Scott Seebohm).

6. I have learned to brew beer.

7. I fulfilled a long time dream of being a barista.

8. I have had 8 jobs, 9 if you count plasma donation.

9. I guess I should add that I have sold bodily fluids.

10. I have been surrounded by amazing friends, including a surprising number of southerners, and over 20 roommates.

11. I have become a kayaker

12. I have seen friends marry and divorce, have children and lose them.  Life is harder than I thought it would be.

13. I have become a mac user.

14. The kitchen department of stores has become my favorite section.  I also like the garden section, storage, cleaning products, and home furnishings.  I get more satisfaction from researching and buying a fan, than a CD.

15. I have moved closer to knowing who I am and becoming more human.